<img src="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/tithing.jpg" alt="" title="What this poor sap doesn't know is that inside that safe is nothing more than a KJV award Bible..." width="297" height="293" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-6173" />
Fundamentalists generally rail against the so-called "health and wealth" gospels that promise prosperity to anybody who has enough faith to pretend to be an Old Testament Jew. Instead, the fundamentalists insists that financial prosperity is only for those who have enough faith to <em>tithe</em> like an Old Testament Jew. And you might still get sick -- otherwise we would have nothing to talk about during prayer request time on Wednesday Night.
Along with this promise of the windows of heaven opening up a blessing upon modern day tithers there also is a warning that if a person does not tithe that God will make his car break down or his dog die or visit some other calamity upon him of equal or greater value than his tithe. Of course, none of these things ever happen to tithers. Ever.
It's quite a reality check when hard economic times come and affect both the tither and non-tither alike. It seems the rain really does fall upon the just and the unjust alike. Not that you'll ever hear that verse used in a tithing sermon.
So bring your tithes into the storehouse and give of the first fruits of your labor. Only don't try giving actual fruit. We prefer cash in small unmarked bills.
Here a man takes the newly published book about J. Frank Norris entitled <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1586421867/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=maranathabibl-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399373&creativeASIN=1586421867">The Shooting Salvationist</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=&l=as2&o=1&a=1586421867&camp=217145&creative=399373" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /> to task for its cover.
<center><iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/26653607" width="600" height="450" frameborder="0"></iframe><p><a href="http://vimeo.com/26653607">Opening Day At Crown College (As Narrated by StuffFundiesLike.com)</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user6237326">Darrell </a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p></center>
<a href="http://www.concordmissionarybaptistchurch.com/index.shtml"><img src="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/ConcordBapt.jpg" alt="" title="If you alliterate your church website menu...you might be a fundamentalist." width="640" height="430" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-6155" /></a>
Today's website is that of <a href="http://www.concordmissionarybaptistchurch.com/index.shtml">Concord Missionary Baptist Church</a>, home of none other than the great Sammy Allen. And we know he's great because there's a <a href="http://www.concordmissionarybaptistchurch.com/shepherd.shtml" target="_blank">whole page</a> about it.
For those of you who aren't familiar with Sammy, the churches in his "camp" are the ones who do stuff like <a href="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/2011/06/camp-meeting/" target="_blank">this</a> and <a href="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/2010/05/running-the-aisles/" target="_blank">this</a>.
<a href="http://www.concordmissionarybaptistchurch.com/index.shtml"><img src="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/ConcordBapt.jpg" alt="" title="If you alliterate your church website menu...you might be a fundamentalist." width="640" height="430" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-6155" /></a>
Today's website is that of <a href="http://www.concordmissionarybaptistchurch.com/index.shtml">Concord Missionary Baptist Church</a>, home of none other than the great Sammy Allen. And we know he's great because there's a <a href="http://www.concordmissionarybaptistchurch.com/shepherd.shtml" target="_blank">whole page</a> about it.
For those of you who aren't familiar with Sammy, the churches in his "camp" are the ones who do stuff like <a href="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/2011/06/camp-meeting/" target="_blank">this</a> and <a href="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/2010/05/running-the-aisles/" target="_blank">this</a>.
<center><img src="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/corduroyskirts.jpg" alt="" title="I get the feeling that lady doesn't really want to be there" width="600" height="450" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-6163" /></center>
Although Wikipedia identifies '<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Running_the_aisles">running the aisles</a>' as a Pentecostal or Holiness tradition it does show up in certain fundamentalist circles as well. To be fair, this sort of thing is usually reserved for Sammy Allen-style 'camp meeting' gatherings of the whoopin' hollerin' and tree-climbin' variety. Still, for pure entertainment value it's hard to beat. Be sure to keep an eye on the baptistry...
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<img src="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Hands-up.jpg" alt="" title="I see those hands...and I can guess where they've all been" width="373" height="322" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-6115" />
<em>It is rare on this blog that I get the opportunity to offend not only fundamentalists but evangelicals and Catholics as well in a single post. Thankfully, the last two years has given me a depth of experience in being the object of people's righteous (if misguided) indignation. So I'm going to foolishly rush in before I have the chance to second guess myself. Here we go..."</em>
In this world there are many hard and uncomfortable truths that cannot be either denied or avoided. For fundamentalists there is perhaps no truth that is more uncomfortable than this: <strong>Human Beings Masturbate</strong>. And fundamentalists are no exception. If you're a guy attending your favorite Fundy U you'd be advised to get a pair of shower shoes. Enough said.
The difference, of course, is that even when everybody's doing it, almost nobody in fundyland dares to talk about it. It's a secret shame. A hidden evil. A sin that bears the moniker of Onan the barbarian-- and we all know that his story hardly ended well. So of course, this silence is going to be broken as of right now.
Like so many other topics, the Scriptures remain strangely silent on the practice of going it alone. Given this lack of explicit prohibition, one would think that with all the fundamentalists would be happy to offer some alternative to the raging hormones of youth, the privations of singleness, or the general stress of life. And yet, despite being healthy and natural and almost universal among humans (and a bunch of other species), the stigma remains. So many poor souls torture themselves endlessly about the fact that they do exactly what everybody else is doing...and to what end?
Like anything else, masturbation is not without its pitfalls. The Scriptures do have a some rather pointed things things to say about not violating your own conscience and about fleeing patterns of illicit lust. But lust is a state of mind not a physical reflex. On may as well condemn a person who sneezes in bright sunlight.
Of course, even godless secular psychology will tell you that a person who chooses their own company over that of their spouse is not in a healthy emotional or spiritual place. And an overuse of any stimuli whether it be sex, food, or substance abuse is likely a symptom of deeper issues. But judging a thing solely on its potential abuses is hardly a thoughtful approach. If fundamentalists are people of the Book then I challenge them to show me from a proper historical and contextual exegesis where solo sex is condemned. Take your time. Search carefully. I'll wait.
By the way, if you should ever (in a most unlikely circumstance) find yourself in a battle of proof texts with a fundamentalist on this most taboo of topics, simply hand them Ecclesiastes 9:10 and then walk away whistling. It will apply to the subject just as much as any argument they care to invent. And it'll be funny, trust me.
And Fundy U students, please bring shower shoes. I'm not kidding.
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<center><a href="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/metaphor.png"><img src="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/metaphor.png" alt="" title="Unless of course, you're Jack Schaap in which case pretty much everything is metaphorical sex." width="581" height="722" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-6106" /></a></center>
<a href="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/letter.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-6055" title="There's a long and honored history of Fundy U teachers claiming that Hester is the villain of the Scarlet Letter. I guess it's just reflex for them to defend corrupt clergy types. " src="http://www.stufffundieslike.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/letter.jpg" alt="" width="640" height="515" /></a>
Unless you're lucky enough to be a managawd, his son, or one of his prize tithers, committing any sexual sin (save one we'll discuss in a moment) is a certain path to the most severe punishments that fundyland has to offer. Forgiveness will inevitably be granted to those who merely steal, lie, cheat, and even kill their fellow man but if you're a fifteen year old who gets caught trying to get to second base with the head deacon's daughter you can expect a brief trial, quick sentencing and virtual banishment for both the perpetrators and their families.
It's hard to say what causes this elevation of sexual sins above any other crime in fundamentalism. Is it merely a cultural artifact from a Puritan past? Or is there a darker motivation of men who demonize sex in public so they can exploit the innocent and repressed in private? Whatever the reason, fear, ignorance, control, and mind games are the order of the day.
With sex being the certain path to death and destruction, every good fundamentalist is constantly on the lookout for any hint of sexuality so that they might warn against it loudly and eradicate it if possible. Every book, every song, every article of clothing is scrutinized and analyzed for any hint of sensuality or tinge of lust. And woe be unto those who fail to realize the deadly seriousness of this enterprise and think it might not be a sign of a healthy person if they find sexual connotations everywhere.
The unhappy effect from this overactive fear of sex is that the strangest fetishes result. Without warning a tinge of lace, an errant brassiere strap, or an uncovered table leg may very well send a fundy male spiraling out of control into an animal frenzy of unbridled lust -- and thus the dire warnings against sex become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For it stands to reason that if you're conditioned to think that naked knees or open-toed shoes are a huge turn on then the world is going to become an awkward place to live in.
As I mentioned at the start, there is one exception to the constant vigilance against sexual sin and that is a watchfulness against rape and abuse. In the years of sitting through hundreds of sermons warning against pornography, fornication, adultery, and mixed bathing, I cannot remember a single sermon even mentioning rape as a sin unless it was in the context of suggesting that a woman who dresses provocatively is probably asking for it. It seems strange that fundamentalists can't seem to find the time to decry the rapist because they're too busy pinning scarlet letters on all but those who deserve them the most.
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